It Only Feels Like We Go Backwards
by Aya of Rivia
Summary: In short: Yosuke confesses to Yu.


A lot of shit had happened. Adachi and the P-1 and P-1 Ultimax on top of everything else! I was glad to still be able to be alive, but I also realized that I had done a lot of stupid shit.

Yu forgave me. He said I was just a kid and doing stupid things is part of growing up. He talks like he knows everything and I honestly hate when he does that, but he's right.

Kanji forgave me too, but I'm not sure why. I said a lot of things I shouldn't have to him and he shouldn't have forgave me. I thought we would stay mad until we're old and realize that our lives are ending.

We started drinking to celebrate. Rise got the drinks and I don't even know how and before I noticed we were playing The King's Game again. Last time the girls were rubbing all over Yu like the world was about to end.

I didn't want to see that happening again, but they kept on drinking and I barely touched my glass or realized what I was picking. It was annoying. The girls always got to do everything with all the freedom in the world and I had to stand there like a fucking jackass scared of being discovered. Real scared, not some stupid childish fear. Really scared... I just wanted to go home, curl in bed and put the headphones on.

"I'm the King! So..."

I stopped listening to what Rise was saying for a while... The music was on, so I focused on that. I was in no mood to play. All I could think of was how envious I was of the girls being able to get so close to Yu and I wasn't. It made me angry and sad. I just wanted to scream and cry. I guess the others were having too much fun to notice. Even Yu... Am I that unimportant? Am I just the best friend even though all we went through together? I had to put up with a year of him dating with girls and then saying goodbye and when he came back all shit broken lose again and I never had the chance to be with him! All he cares about are the girls not me!

I understand that he wants to be with Nanako... That's different... She's always lonely and she needs Yu more than anyone else. I don't mind losing to Nanako. But I haven't done much to win either. I let Yu to his on obliviouness while I looked at him ever so lovingingly...

I hate it. I hate it so much... I hate it. I don't want to be alone any more, but I don't want Yu either. People would hate me if I wanted Yu, my father would disown me. I can't keep up with this any more, it makes my head hurt. It makes me have thoughts of which I'm scared of. I don't want to start hitting the girls or breaking things just because I have these stupid feelings.

I wish I was like Kanji sometimes, he jumps on things like mad and doesn't care. He's a good guy and I've been the worse Senpai in the world.

"Yu has to kiss Yosuke! That's it!"

I woke up from my own head and looked at Rise.

I felt angry and out of air. My face was getting hotter. I knew exactly what this meant, but I didn't care.

"NO."

"C'mon, Yosuke-senpai! It doesn't has to be anything big. Just a peek. I'm the King, so you have to obey me!"

Rise must be mocking me! I can't do this. I hate it! I don't want it! It's wrong! I don't like it! I don't like Yu! I don't want to kiss another dude! Get away with from stupid ideias!

"Senpai! Don't kill the party!"

I had hope they realized, but they didn't. They only made it worse. I had hope I could have figured out a way to avoid this, but they don't let me go.

Yu stands by me, it seems like he's going to obey Rise little a dog, but other thoughts cross my mind.  
What if... What if he's using Rise? What if he's taking advantage of the situation? I don't even want to think about it. I's not fair that my partner, my best friend, is playing with me like this. I trusted him not to do such a thing and he's standing by me, waiting for me to get up and do something.

In a moment, where my legs aren't frozen, I run off, scared. Scared of the possibility, angry that I can't do anything else but run off like a coward. But the truth is, I rather be a coward that do what Rise tells me to do. Then again, I'm just telling myself that as an excuse to runaway from my feelings and ignore what I actually want.

I'm scared of them. I'm scared of everything. Nobody notices, I think they're thinking I'm just being good old Yosuke who joked with Kanji for the very same thing. It's very ironic, really.

I black out again, back to my head, my thoughts about Yu and my doubts about the world. I guess I feel a bit like Adachi did right now. Bounds are troublesome, especially one like this.

We're so close, yet so far away. I can touch him, but I can't do what I want. Even if he let me do what I wanted to do to him (and believe me, I want to do many things to him), I would still retrained by the bounds of this world. Of our world, at least, Akihiko-san says people live differently in America and in Europe. I wonder if it would be any easier there... But I'm not there, I'm in Inaba, I have to deal with my reality.

What a fucking piece of shit of a world I have. I can't even deal with the fact that I might have fallen in love with my best friend because I don't want to deal with the consequences. I'm not strong enough to do that. However, I'm might be just confusing our friendship with some kind of crush. Some stupid childish shit like that.

My eyes are getting blurred and I clench my teeth to shallow the cry. I'm so angry my face hurts and my expression twists while I try to shallow it all back, down my throat.

I look up, to see Kanji there.

"Kanji?"  
"Are you okay, Senpai?"  
"Yeah..."

He doesn't believe me. I can read that in his face. And he can probably seem my eyes watering up, too. So... Yeah. I'm just lying to make myself comfortable.

"I know how it feels, it's not easy. But yelling something like 'I like women', like you always do it's going to help you. So what if you like Senpai? It doesn't make you less of a man."

I don't answer him right away. I hold my knees, instead, trying to hide my face from him. I know he understands, but I'm still too ashamed to look at him.

"It's not that, Kanji. It's not like I like dudes. I just like Yu."

Yeah, that's pretty close to how I feel. I don't like any other guys, just Yu. Because there is no other guys. I like girls, really. But Yu... He makes my knees shake, bend and break. I would do back flip, fall on my face and break my teeth and nose for that guy. He's the only one out there...

"There was no other guy for me either..."  
"Naoto is a girl, you idiot."

"I didn't know that! You don't get to chose who you fancy, alright? The fact that Naoto dresses like a boy all the time makes things even more confusing, but I love her anyway!"

"Yeah... Expect you don't have to deal with your mother disowning you and not doing anything decent in your life because of a crush you had in high school."

"C'mon, Senpai! I'm pretty sure your parents will love you anyway. It's just your sexuality, it's no big deal. You didn't kill anyone."

"Kanji. This is Japan. This is a big deal."  
"You can get kicked out in other places too, not just in Japan. Stop thinking the grass on the other side is greener, Yosuke-Senpai!"

Kanji holds me by my shoulders and shakes me a little bit, as if he wants me shake the sadness off of me. It's funny, so I smile a little. Shake the sadness off... Wouldn't be nice if he actually could do that? I would enjoy it very much.

Go back to the table and laugh with them... I wish I wasn't an idiot.

"Now that's the Yosuke-senpai I know!"

I look away.

"I don't think he likes me. There is no point in being sad if he doesn't like me."

"I see the way he looks at Yu. He tries to hide it, but he's not very good at it. You two act like two goddamn lovebirds already! You must have realized it sooner..."  
"I always thought he saw me as a friend. You know how Chie-chan blushes like mad whenever Akihiko-san is around?"  
"Yeah... It's kinda sad. He's too old for her."

"It's worse than that. He's never gonna notice her. I thought... I always thought I was the same."

"He hugged you by the waist."  
"So? I'm shorter than him."

Kanji growls at me. He realized I'm just making excuses to ignore my feelings, but I can't help it. I just want to runaway. He understands that too and calms down again.

"What about the group date at school? He was totally eyeing you. Everyone could see how much he cares about you. Can't you tell that he's not playing with you?"

"People mocked those things. I know it because I mocked you too."

"Senpai's a straight guy. Since you and him became closer you grew up a lot too."

"You think so?"

Kanji nods.

"You've man up enough to talk about it with me."

"I only mocked you because I was unsure of myself and wanted to runaway from reality. I knew that I've liked him since the start, he helped me with all that happened with Saki-senpai... I'm the worse Senpai ever!"

I pause. I feel like my eyes are going to start tearing up again. I look at Kanji. He knows how much it hurts.

"I'm sorry."

"Don't beat yourself over it, Senpai. I get it. It's hard. Not everyone gets it, sometimes not even I get it."

"I wish I was more like you sometimes..."

Kanji seems surprised with my words and blushes a little.

"C'mon, Senpai... Don't say those things..." 

He seems embarrassed by the fact that I spoke the truth. It's embarrassing for me to open up like this too, but it feels nice to have someone to talk to about these things. It doesn't feel so lonely, though it still angers me that these feelings aren't going away. People say that if you talk about something, it will make you feel better and it will eventually go away, but it doesn't.

I bury my face in my knees again.

"What would you do, Kanji?"  
"What would you do if it was a girl?"

The answer for that one was quick and easy.

"I would tell her."

The resolve seems easy when it's a girl we're talking about, so why is it so hard when it's about Yu? I guess it's because he's a guy and we're in Japan. But I feel as if that's not all. It might be because I keep running away like a little bitch. I hate myself for it, but I also hate myself for the feelings that I have for him, so I don't really don't know where to stand. To run away and hate myself or to tell him and rejected by everyone and still hate myself.

I know hate seems like a harsh word, but, I swear, I could clench my teeth so hard they would break. Kanji is worried about me already, I better not make things any worse.

"Then you have to the same for Yu-Senpai. Even if you have to get drunk, you gotta tell him. If you keep burying your face it's gonna get worse. And one day... The loneliness will kill you. Senpai likes you, there's no need to be scared."

"I still hate myself for it."  
"Senpai..."  
"It's true! I hate myself for these feelings! It's so disgusting... I can't stand it! It hurt the first time, it will hurt either way this time. I just want it to go away, so I can be myself again. Just want to be me!"

I started crying. I can't hold it inside any more. It's stronger than me. The feeling of loneliness, anger, hate, love, it all envelopes me as if it's darkness and leaves me crying in front of Kanji. I feel weak, vulnerable and naked. I've been stripped away of everything and I'm just a child, crying in panic and despair.  
I can barely see Kanji's face. I don't know what's got into me. I just sob loudly and look at him hopelessly. The others seem to continue to play and not notice what's going on. Probably because the girls are too drunk to notice that Kanji is missing.

"Senpai, there is no need to cry. I understand how you feel, but you'll feel better when you tell him."

I hold on to him crying. He pats him in the back and assures me that everything will be alright and Yu is not going to reject me. I guess that's what I fear the most. Rejection, loneliness and boredom all over again. I was scared of losing Yu, that everyone would hate me for it, that Nanako would think that I'm stealing him away.

I swear! I'm not! I just really really really like Yu, okay?!  
I'm not! I'm not!... I'm not...  
I...

"I have to tell him don't I?"

"There's no more running, Senpai."

I nod and clean my face. Kanji stays by me at all times. He smiles at me and keeps ensuring me that all will be just fine and Yu likes me as much as I like him. I'm doubtful, but Kanji has put so much work in comforting me that I feel like I must do this.

I arrange my jacket and get up. I'm gonna tell him.

Honestly, I'm more scared of this than what I was of Adachi, the Shadows or Sho. Maybe not exactly, but it surely felt like that. My fear of losing Yu made me want to give up at each step, but Kanji kept pushing me forwards, sometimes literally. I didn't even tell him that it hurts, like I would usually do, I knew it was necessary. I had to go on, climb back the stairs, go to them and tell Yu. I couldn't runaway. Not any more. Not this time.

"Yu, I need to speak with you."  
"What is it, Yosuke?"  
"Alone. Please."

We left to a corner where nobody could hears, while Kanji stayed behind making excuse to why I need to talk to Yu so suddenly after running away like that.  
We ended up in the kitchen, behind closed doors. I insisted that nobody could hear us and when I saw myself alone with him, I started shaking. My hands would stay in place and I was breaking up inside. If I had drank anything I wouldn't be able to keep it inside, I felt so nervous.

"Are you alright, Yosuke? You look so place and you're shaking?"  
"Truth be told, I'm not alright?" 

Yu looks at me worried and holds my hands.

"Are you cold?"

I look away, trying to hide the fact that I'm blushing. I guess he noticed it, but he's ignoring it too.

"It's not that, Yu."

He looks a bit confused, but he smiles quickly. It seems like he understood, his eyes shine like two grey diamonds. He seems quite happy and I can't deny him of his happiness...  
I look at floor and smile shyly.

"You took your sweet time. I've been waiting."  
"I'm sorry. I was so scared..."  
"It's alright. I was scared too."

I look at him shyly and he keeps smiling at me. He holds my hands tightly and I keep blushing.

Soon, our fingers twine and I look up to him. It feels so natural to get close, so dangerously close. But I'm still scared. My lips sake and my breathing gets heavy. However, Yu is calm and sure.

He holds my face and strokes it. I feel my face getting hotter and my heart races. It almost hurts.

"Yu. I..."  
"You don't have to say it if you don't feel save."

"I can't runaway any more, Yu. I have to say it."

He looks at me in the eyes, softly. He feel my legs shaking and my heart beating even faster. I have to get this off my chest. I have to tell me, but the word will not come out of my mouth, yet he waits. He waits for me to speak.

I want to take this off me, but... C'mon! Speak, Yosuke!

"I..."

He keeps looking and me and I avoid his eyes for a while. I try to find a place to look that makes me feel comfortable, but nothing seems to make it better. I feel terrified and I want to runaway again, but my legs don't move, gladly. I can't runaway now and deny Yu of his happiness. He waited long, too long because I'm a coward.

"Yu, it's... It's hard to say..."  
"Take your time."

"The words aren't coming out of my mouth... It's disappointing... I don't want to deny you of this."

"It's okay."  
"Not it's not! I love you and I gotta say it out loud!"

I cover my mouth right away. I realize that I've said it and feel embarrassed. I shake my head and blush heavily while Yu smiles at me.

"You've said it."

I only feel panic. My breathing gets faster and I feel like I could past out at any moment. But Yu gets closer to me, he holds me. I can feel his hands around my waist, preventing me from falling.

"I'll not let you fall."

"Yu... I... I'm sorry I took so long."

He gets closer to me again.

I'm shaking but he doesn't seem to mind. He knows my feelings and I know his. But still...

"I love you too, Yosuke. I don't mind that you took so long. I understand the fear. But I'm not longer scared. I'll come back to you whenever I can. And you can visit me too."

I nod happily, almost crying again, but these are not tears of range or hate, it's a mix of happiness with a distress you only know when you're doing what your heart wishes.

I could my eyes again and wait for him. I know that this time it's right.

I feel his touch and his embrace. It's like fire, a sudden illumination in my heart. Everything it's alright, I don't care about anything else but Yu. My mind just races into things I can't describe, feelings I've never felt, but my mind is at peace and my heart doesn't hurt any more. It's good to have come out and said it. Kanji was right. This is the best feeling in the world. I want nothing else. It doesn't matter who I like or dislike. I like Yu above everything else. It's him I want and I don't even care any more if it make me sound feminine or not. It feels so nice to be by his side.

He touches my lips. I breathe so fast.

"I'll be waiting for you. When you come back..."  
"I will come back for you. And when it's all said and done, I'm getting you out of Inaba. We will live together."

I smile. I've never left this happy.

"Deal."

He smiles back at me.

"Deal."


End file.
